The Creation Of
A Couple
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When we are getting something right - in our couple relationship, when we are a child, in our professional life or in our friendships - we usually get some kind of feedback signal to tell us: “Yes, that’s it. That’s good.” It might be praise, encouragement, the fact that people are buying your product or service, or one’s own ability to sense rightness, to know a job when it is well done. This feedback signal then creates in us some kind of energy or vitality - a feel good moment. When that happens, the connections in our brain that allowed us to do what we did become stronger, and thus we are more likely to use that same process again the next time. This is because we like the feeling that we are getting something right. This is how we learn almost everything we learn. A gold star from our teacher when we get right answers in maths, a smile from our parent when we make our first cup of tea for them, a slap on the back from our team-mates when we score a goal, and step-by-step we learn to function in the world we live in.
The couple relationship is no different. It is a place of learning, where both partners are beginners in the art of couple love when they start their relationship together. Over time, with each other’s support and healthy feedback partners hopefully develop their ability to understand couple love. Positive feedback is therefore a useful tool that both partners can use if they are to help each other learn the art of love in their particular relationship.
The key point to understand is that whether people want feedback or not, it doesn’t matter, because feedback will come whether you want it or not. If you don’t offer your partner praise and encouragement when they get something right, then you will probably have to give them negative feedback later because you’re upset that after 10 years together they still haven’t learnt some basic things about what you love to receive from them. Your partner may have offered many types of love during that time, but because they didn’t receive any signal from you that you enjoyed what they offered, then the connections in the brain didn’t harden, and therefore that act of love didn’t become a substantial, regular habit.
There are basically 3 types of feedback.
1) Positive Feedback – you’re getting it right, well done, keep it up, increased market share, etc
2) Understandable Negative Feedback – That was wrong, don’t do that again, customer complaint, large number of products returned for same fault, not voting for you, etc
3) Unclear Negative Feedback – New product doesn’t sell, customers stop buying, team leader drops ’hints’, not voting for anyone, etc
Ideally, couples help each other develop and grow through mainly using positive feedback. There are a variety of ways partners can make sure that they regular express what they appreciate about their partner’s offerings of love. For example, they can live by the motto: “Catch my partner doing something right, and tell them.” Or they can make sure they have a time each week to say what they enjoyed about their partner’s acts of love. They might also learn the art of educational praising - praising in a way that goes deep into a partner’s consciousness. There are many other ways that partners can send the positive feedback signal that is so vital for our growth and development. We just have make sure we have one or two of them.
Partners can also learnt the art of giving understandable, negative feedback to their partner every now and again. Finding the right time, have one’s partner’s full attention, learning how to be specific about the problem, and other basic communication principles are often essential parts of giving negative feedback well. I need to learn to create an environment where my partner is to fully be able to receive my complaint, where they are willing to think about new ways to love.
Sadly, in many couple relationships, the main source of feedback is unclear negative feedback, feedback that doesn’t really allow partners to look at the deeper issues, doesn’t allow for partners to clearly identify what is going wrong. So the issue isn’t usually solved - and it comes back a few weeks later to haunt the relationship.
On my course, students are encouraged to think about a range of different feedback strategies, and to find one they can feel comfortable using.
Resources:
- Video: Giving feedback - ‘I’ and ‘You’
- Video: How do train your man
Principle 6:
Feedback